Krawk vs. The Barbarian Waiters

Krawk stumbled drunkenly out of the stable, blinking nearsightedly, dazzled by the sun. The last thing he could really remember was getting married to the Goblin-King’s daughter and celebrating the marriage in the usual fashion of the goblins, by drinking every ounce of liquor in sight. Which from previous experience would indicate that it was many, many weeks later. Looking around, Krawk dimly saw many great buildings, built of stone, painted red and many many statues. The statues were often missing arms, sometimes heads. Good idea, thought Krawk. If you’re bad at sculpting hands, don’t sculpt hands. It was a very clever idea.

Krawk decided he was in a city. The large buildings would seem to indicate that, but mostly it was the clever idea. People in the cities were always clever, and always had solutions to every problem. Krawk remembered how he had always hated using his family’s outhouse in the winter. When he first came to the city, he was amazed at the simple, elegant solution the city people had come up with: Crap in a bucket in the comfort of your own bedroom, and then toss it out the window. The only time you were cold was when you opened the window. Brilliant!

Krawk then noticed that many people we’re waiting in the bazaar, milling about, buzzing, excited. Many were dressed in fine clothes, wondrous robes from far-off lands, bracelets, rings, necklaces. The ministers of office had great staffs of oak inlaid with ivory and silver; it was an impressive display.

“What is going on?” inquired Krawk, wondering what he had missed in the weeks he had been insensibly drunk.

“Oh, the barbarians are coming today!” said the young man he spoke to. “It’s quite exciting, you know! It’s been dreadful boring, and well, you know, no one can really come up with anything to entertain us. The playwrights, the poets, the singers, they can’t seem to come up with any satisfying songs or plays or what-not.”

Krawk grinned at the small city man, admiring his spirit. “Ah, so you look forward to battling your foes as a great entertainment! You city folk have greater bravery than I expected!”

The young man laughed gently and smiled. “Oh, there won’t be a battle. We’re quite terrible at it, really. We expect to be slaughtered. It will be terribly exciting!”

“Then why is your ruler, and folk of high office, why are they all here today? Those men are in armor, surely they intend to fight!”

“Oh no. Our only hope of surviving is to impress the barbarians with our great wealth and grandeur. It won’t work in the end, eventually they won’t be impressed, and they’ll just destroy us. But it will be oodles of fun the longer we can make it last, eh what?”

Krawk shook his head. “By Thok the Triple-Headed God of Thoraht, young boy! Have more spirit than that! Haven’t you any arenas?”

“Arena? No, what is that?”

“Take someplace where everyone has a good view, like your theater’s, but instead of a stage, dig a pit. Throw in a wild animal, and then some man, and watch them kill each other! Give prizes to the man if he wins, to give him incentive.”

“My god–that would be splendid! So many different animals, too–We’d keep ourselves entertained for years.”

Krawk smiled his wide, stupid grin. “See, little man! You do not have to fear boredom!”

“Yes, yes–but what of the barbarians? What will we do? We have something to live for now, something truly grand–but we cannot hope to fight them!”

By this time, many men were listening to Krawk, including the ruler of the city, an immense frog of a man who was resting on a great chair nearby. They all looked at him expectantly. Aha! thought Krawk. I will learn who is threatening the city, and if I think I can handle them, I will offer to lead them in battle! I will become a great general of the city, and earn much coin, wine, and slave women to pleasure me!

“Who is it that is attacking you,” inquired Krawk, “and what are their numbers.”

The ruler of the city spoke. “We are expecting a great barbarian horde. The Goblin King promised that he would send against us the foulest, most despicable folk against us, to smite us for–what is wrong with you, why have you gone so pale, my fellow?”

Images rushed back to Krawk. Words that he wished he didn’t remember came back as well.

“Ah, there will be no barbarians. They won’t be coming. No problems, you have your arenas, and I’ll just be going now–”

Many eyes narrowed. They were all looking at Krawk, and his furs, and his crude barbarian boots. And especially the ring he was wearing. The ring that had the seal of the Goblin King.

“Take him,” said the ruler, making a delicate gesture with his tiny hand. The guards rushed forward, grabbing Krawk.

“Take him to the theater-–Err, arena. Find a couple of lions. My people, a new day has dawned! We Shall Be Entertained!”

A great cheer went up.

The young man, happy for his people, for his city, smiled, and asked, as if to himself, “What would have become of us, I wonder, without the barbarian? That man provided such a nice resolution!”