Not that we North Americans are too much better. I’m still morally convinced that in two hundred years every white man and woman will be convinced that they’re ‘Cherokee’ and that the ‘American people’ have lived on these lands since the beginning of time. Read any American history or literature textbook and tell me I’m wrong.

But it’s not always the case that Deep Sociological Insight is the sole thing to be found when reading about the influence of modern nationalism on historical consciousness. Sometimes you just get pure fun like this man from Bulgaria who

…claims to be an expert in linguistics, cryptography and transcendental analysis…

[From Gradeshnitsa tablets - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia]

If you want more backstory, read on and follow the many links for a quick explanation. But really, I’d just like to savor the words transcendental analysis.

Climate change has caused Greenland’s ice sheet to melt increasingly fast in recent years, threatening traditional ways of life but making drilling for oil more feasible.

[From Greenland votes to step closer to independence | International | Reuters]

Prior to 1931, New York Times reporter William Buehler Seabrook, allegedly in the interests of research, obtained from a hospital intern at the Sorbonne a chunk of human meat from the body of a healthy human killed by accident, and cooked and ate it.

[From Cannibalism - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia]

In the Middle Ages, in Europe, “thousands of Egyptian mummies preserved in bitumen were ground up and sold as medicine”.[34] The practice developed into a wide-scale business which flourished until the late 16th century. This “fad” ended because the mummies were revealed to actually be recently killed slaves. Two centuries ago, mummies were still believed to have medicinal properties against bleeding, and were sold as pharmaceuticals in powdered form (see human mummy confection).

[From Cannibalism - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia]

No one was without a share in the grief. In the alleys, in the streets, in the temples, complaints, weeping, lamentations, grief, the groaning of men, the shrieks of women, wounds, rape, captivity, the separation of those most closely united. Nobles wandered about ignominiously, those of venerable age in tears, the rich in poverty. Thus it was in the streets, on the corners, in the temple, in the dens, for no place remained unassailed or defended the suppliants. All places everywhere were filled full of all kinds of crime. Oh, immortal God, how great the afflictions of the men, bow great the distress!

[From Medieval Sourcebook: Nicetas Choniates: The Sack of Constantinople (1204)]

He eventually embarked on the crusade the following year (1228), which was looked on by the Pope as a provocation, since the church could not take any part in the honor of the crusade, resulting in a second excommunication. By this time the crusading army had dwindled to a meagre force. Knowing that he could not take Jerusalem by force of arms, Frederick negotiated along the lines of a previous agreement he had intended to broker with the Egyptian sultan, Al-Kamil. The treaty resulted in the restitution of Jerusalem, Nazareth, and Bethlehem to the Kingdom, though there are disagreements as to the extent of the territory returned. The Ayyubid ruler of the region, who was nervous about possible war with his relatives who ruled Syria and Mesopotamia, wished to avoid further trouble from the Christians, at least until his domestic rivals were subdued.

[From Frederick II, Holy Roman Emperor - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia]

With a return to Jerusalem, finally, in 1228. Where is Sir Guillame in the intervening years? Constantinople? Conspiring against the Venetians? Hunting down the Nicene exiles?

The first runic inscription was discovered in 1964 on a parapet on the top floor of the southern gallery, and the discovery was published by Elisabeth Svärdström in “Runorna i Hagia Sofia”, Fornvännen 65 (1970), 247-49. The inscription is worn down so only -alftan, which is the Norse name Halfdan, is legible. The remainder of the inscription is considered to be illegible, but it is possible that it followed the common formula “NN carved these runes”.

[From Runic inscriptions in Hagia Sophia - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia]

“NN carved these runes” being Norse for “NN was here”. We human beings are simple, simple creatures, aren’t we?

The armored man rode toward the little man, and kicked him violently in the head.

Throwing open the visor of his helmet, he exposed a rotting face, with no nose. “I’m Sir Guillaume, of the Order of St. Lazarus, and I probably fucked your mother when I burnt your city to the ground. Now stay out of my way.”

Thus Guillaume, the Grand Master of the Damned Redeemed, returned to the Holy City.

[From The Great Round World › The Leper Knight]

In particular, tinea capitis (fungal scalp infection) and related infections on other body parts caused by the dermatophyte fungus Trichophyton violaceum are abundant throughout the Middle East and North Africa today and might also have been common in biblical times. Similarly, the related agent of the disfiguring skin disease favus, Trichophyton schoenleinii, appears to have been common throughout Eurasia and Africa before the advent of modern medicine. Persons with severe favus and similar fungal diseases (and potentially also with severe psoriasis and other diseases not caused by microorganisms) tended to be classed as having leprosy as late as the 17th century in Europe.[47] This is clearly shown in the painting Governors of the Home for Lepers at Haarlem 1667 by Jan de Bray (Frans Hals Museum, Haarlem, the Netherlands), where a young Dutch man with a vivid scalp infection, almost certainly caused by a fungus, is shown being cared for by three officials of a charitable home intended for leprosy sufferers. The use of the word “leprosy” before the mid-19th century, when microscopic examination of skin for medical diagnosis was first developed, can seldom be correlated reliably with Hansen’s disease as we understand it today.

[From Leprosy - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia]

After sustaining severe losses in many engagements, most of the leper knights of the Order were slain in the Battle of Gaza in 1244.

[From Short History of the Order of St Lazarus]

He was known in his own time as Stupor mundi (“wonder of the world”) and was said to speak six languages: Latin, Sicilian, German, French, Greek and Arabic.

[From Frederick II, Holy Roman Emperor - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia]

The question remains, how and at what time the Order of St. Lazarus of Jerusalem became a military order. This is not know exactly; and, moreover, the historians of the order have done much to obscure the question by entangling it with gratuitous pretensions and suspicious documents.

[From Catholic Encyclopedia (1913)/Order of St. Lazarus of Jerusalem - Wikisource]

Furthermore, they were the only element of the army to successfully defend part of Constantinople during the Fourth Crusade. Of the role of the guard, then composed of the English and Danes, it is said that “the fighting was very violent and there was hand to hand fight with axes and swords, the assailants mounted the walls and prisoners were taken on both sides”.[3] Although the Guard was apparently disbanded after the city’s capture in 1204, there are some indications that it was revived either by the Empire of Nicaea or by the Palaeologid emperors themselves, though it is not likely that they lasted long after Michael VIII.

[From Varangians - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia]

Kidnapped by pirates on his way to Asia Minor, he did not show despair, and he would banter easily with his captives. After he was ransomed, he told them that he was going to come back and crucify them.

He did. He had decided to do it, so it was only a matter of time.

He’d spent his money liberally, on public spectacles, nearly bankrupting himself, borrowing huge amounts. But he was patient. He knew it would pay off in the end. And it did, as he came to political office.

He went to Gaul. A whole country before him, filled with wild men, untamed. It took seven years, but he tamed them. Stamped out every trace of rebellion, that they stayed calm and obedient for hundreds of years.

He then waited, waited till he could wait no longer, crossing the Rubicon to Rome at the perfect moment. Not a day earlier, not a day later.

But one day leaving his house a man came and thrust a letter in his hand. But he was busy.

He had to be at the Senate, no time to read it.

A whole career built on patience, Caesar.

Why, at the end, were you so impatient to go to your death?

“But many of us feel that the capitol should be in Virginia. It’s the center of our country, after all.”

“No. No, no, no. Not only does it make me sweat, that fucking bitch-monster wife of mine is down there at Mount Vernon. I want as far away as possible. I don’t want to hear her talking about how the money’s all hers. Of course it’s all hers, why else would I marry a woman who insists on owning her own sister? I’m staying in Philadelphia. Do what you want after that.”

“But we have the plans for this new city…we want to name it for you, sir.”

“Do you know what the Iroquois call me, you pathetic little bastard prick? ‘Town-Destroyer’. You build that city, I’ll call back up the army-they’ll come, too-and I’ll level it.”

Just then, the door flew open. A short, ugly old woman, carrying a whip in her muscular right arm walked in.

“Fuck,” said Washington. “My wife.”

“Sir, you know how you get…”

Silence.

“Sir, think of the men. Last time you had a drink, we had to stay in Valley Forge for six months while you recovered from your hangover.”

“Fuck the men. If I hadn’t gotten drunk, would I have crossed the Delaware? In winter? I don’t even know how to goddamn swim—you think I’d go near the fucking Delaware sober?”

“Yes, we did indeed inflict a defeat on the Hessians. But you were looking for whores.”

George waved away the objection. “We don’t judge history by intentions, Alexander. We judge by results.”

Alexander tried the last argument available to him. “But sir, the Continental Congress specifically passed a law against you ever drinking again. It’s too demoralizing for the men.”

George glared with eyes colder than his wife’s tits. “Alexander, alcohol will pass my lips this night if I have to suck an Irishman’s cock to get it. Which I think would be far worse for the men’s morale.”

Alexander sighed a long suffering sigh. “I’ll go get the whiskey, sir.”